Thursday, February 17, 2011

You're Not Married And It's Your Fault...

Or at least that's what Tracy McMillan thinks. Tracy is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. She wrote an article about why women are not married and suggests that it's the woman's fault. Being a single woman in this dating scene has left me with little hope of finding my equal. Can I get to the relationship stage first? Damn! I'm not going to say that all men are dogs, lames, liars, and cheaters but there are plenty of them. But I also think that women have to take responsibility for the type of men they date. What are you attracting:? Why? A lot of times women allow this reckless behavior and then wonder why after a year, that man has not changed or grown. Sometimes we stay in situations longer than we should still hoping for a different outcome or because we don't want to feel like we've failed. And then there are some women who don't carry themselves as 'wifey material' and wonder why they don't get 'wifed'. (Then again, these days...hoes are getting 'wifed'. But that's a different blog. lol) So without further adieu... The Top Six Reasons You Are Not Married:

1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.

2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.

That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."

You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.

5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this. I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Wow... Interesting. I have to say that I agree with a few of these as it relates to myself. What do you think? What would you add to the list? Let's talk.

1 comment:

  1. The reason why men and women are not married is because they do not fully understand what marriage is and what is should be like. Marriage is an union and a partnership. Most people cannot define marriage. Marriage has a purpose and holy meaning.
    Most people don't realize social views will reuin your chances of be happily married.

    Why men are not married: Men are too concerned with losing that 'pimp' status and losing the respect of their boys. So worried about how many girls they can book and have sex with. Also alot of guys are young minded still doing teenage things when they 30 plus. No man wants to get married when he still is living at home with momma. Grow up men make something out of your life, be successful. And to my successful men out here stop being paranoid that all women are trying to be on the come up. There are good women out here.

    Why women are married: Ladies stop listening to sideline talk from your so called friends that are bitter that dont have a man and who cant keep a man. Stop looking at tv and other social depictions of what you should have. You cant expect to have a guy to give you the world when you cant give him simple support. stop bashing men and understand if you support your man there is nothing he wont do for you. for my successful women stop thinking you have and you are everything because we all have flaws. ok your a dr or a lawyer but you cant cook or clean......unacceptable.

    i could go deeper but I'm at work but just some of my thoughts. please ppl i encourage you to pick up any holy book whether be it of christian muslim or any other religious origin. see what the true meaning of a marriage is and see the similarities of each religion when it comes to marriage

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